Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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