Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
my shit smells like andre
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
