he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
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some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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