Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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