My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
