I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
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