Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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