while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
