You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
