If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
