how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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