The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
