he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
