I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
