Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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