dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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