Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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