if i can run in heels then i can drive
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
