I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
