My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
