As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
