i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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