I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
