sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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