I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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