all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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