I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
