He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
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I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
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We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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