And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
