AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
