All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
