Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
A+ Viking dick
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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