Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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