just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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