Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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