Pants 0. Shit 1.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
