I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
