textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
