She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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