If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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