I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I love you.
Bad choice
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
