I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
