Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
