my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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