hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
