tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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