this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen