just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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