I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
