My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
