My room smells like vodka and shame
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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