I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
