Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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