Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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