We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
