Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
